Single Politicians Want You
The following people are single/ divorced/ unhappy with their current significant others/ stupid/ lonely. They want you to be the only ray of sunshine in their bleak lives. If you’re interested in starting a relationship with any of these people, please contact me for their personal information: Their electronic e-mail, phone number, home address, the color of their house and the times they’re usually there.
Condoleezza Rice: Named after a variety of fig, lists 'slapping wallabies' as an interest, alongside playing the flute with her feet and making strawberry soup. Once mistakenly pounced on Donna Summer screaming “WHY WON'T YOU REFORM THE CLASH?”, has a phobia of her own eyebrows, regularly asking people in the same room “are they still there?”
Patrick J. Buchanan: Loves dry humping table legs, doing charity work for homophobic orphans, basket-weaving for Jesus, and giving sensuous mouthlove. He often describes himself as a “banjo playing, candlestick making genius who doesn't mind a few seconds cuddling after a heated political debate.”
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Can only get to sleep to the sound of grasshoppers dying. Enjoys glancing left then right, archery, standing still and torturing pensioners with drumsticks. Once did a sponsored 48 hour skipping marathon before realizing he had forgotten the rope. Is still not sure if a parsnip is a vegetable or a river. Has a pet microwave oven called America .
Hilary Clinton: Can only watch the first 35 minutes of any film. Can't sleep in a bed with less than 5 people in it. Loves custard, dwarf wrestling, red wine vinegar sandwiches and writing the word 'undercarriage' with her finger on dirty vans. Has a fear of blinking. Hobbies include assassin work in the Balkans and tracing other people's family trees. Failed an exam in midwifery when she was 4.
Prince Bandar bin Sultan: Owns his own lake in Mali, loves sitting, prancing, waiting and screaming the word 'luggage' at strangers. Hates hospital car parks, sorbets, anyone with more than 2 arms and all the female Osmonds. Has the Ten Commandments tattooed on the inside of his eyelids. Once successfully went 5 months passing himself off as Whoopi Goldberg, resulting in a lawsuit which ran into millions.
Dick Cheney: Has 204 children all called Clint. Allergic to paper clips, voices and rhinos. Loves raw potato milkshakes, roller-ballet and rubbing his nose against buildings. Once arrested for threatening a cat with a birthday card. Thinks clouds were invented by the Nazis and cries himself raw at the sight of anyone wearing a poncho.